WAITING TO EXHALE: A CAUTIONARY TALE

"Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin
As self-neglecting."  William Shakespeare

Ernie just completed a five week regimen of radiation.  Every day we drove for almost an hour to the medical center where he received his treatment.  When the radiation oncologist initially explained that after this round of treatments there would be a one month break before any further treatments took place, in typical fashion, Ernie put it in his own terms.  "What you're saying is just like microwave cooking.  After I'm through, I'll continue to bake for another month before I'm finished."  So, according to Ernie, he is now 'continuing to bake'.  

Until these treatments ended, I had no idea how much energy - emotional and physical - had been both needed and expended.  Once a week during the treatments, we met with the radiation oncologist, so he could monitor the progress.  After the one month break, Ernie will undergo a cat scan, so an accurate picture of progress can be measured.  


On Monday, he received his last treatment and rang the brass bell in the lobby so everyone would hear that he had finished another milestone in his journey.  Applause followed.  Our daughter took his picture and treated us to lunch afterwards to celebrate.


Then exhaustion broke through and brought me to my knees.  I suppose like holding my breath under water, I just couldn't do it anymore and I crashed.  I have slept and slept and slept since early this week.  Emotions have spilled over and out, sometimes inappropriately.  I have had to admit that I am human and fragile and not superwoman, something that is hard to accept - again.  Yet, reminded of my own humanity, I can learn from this experience and share it with you.


Taking care of yourself as caregiver on a daily basis is the most critically important thing you can do.  Holding on, holding back, striving to be a super person until the dam breaks is the type of self-neglecting that Shakespeare refers to in the quote.  I plan to begin my day by looking over the things I have designated that need to be accomplished and then prioritize instead of trying to do it all every day.  I know this won't be easy for me initially, but I am convinced that if I make this start, I will be able to exhale just a little every day instead of allowing things to build up until I reach a point of complete exhaustion.  

I am a list maker and from now on, the word 'rest' will be an item on my list, whether that means just a block of time when I sit, pause and reflect or a nap.  Until it becomes second nature to me, I will write at the top of my daily list the words "remember to ask for help".  That 'help' could be as simple as calling a friend and just asking that friend to listen  or it might entail asking someone to pick up a few things at the grocery store for you if you are unable to leave your loved one that day.  People who care want to help, but they need us to direct them by letting them know HOW they can be of help.  

Soon I will go back to work.  I am fortunate to work part time and have the ability to schedule my own hours; however, if Ernie's radiation treatment becomes an ongoing activity, I will need to call on friends and neighbors occasionally to drive him to treatment.  Many people have offered to do just that and what a blessing that is!
 

We, as caregivers, are the organizers of our own time and activities.  The demands placed on us are many, but we cannot do everything without paying a price emotionally and physically. Taking care of ourselves allows us to thrive and not merely survive and what better gift can we give the loved one who needs us.