THINGS THAT GO BUMP IN THE NIGHT OR DAY

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. "   Mark Twain


"We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot."  Eleanor Roosevelt

Since Ernie's cancer journey began almost five years ago, fear has been present to a lesser or greater degree, depending on the day or for me at least - the night.  We have shared our fears with each other, but some fears remain unspoken.  

During his recent stay in the hospital due to dehydration and infection, old familiar fears came crashing through again, and most of them revolved around the unknown.  Since cancer patients have a compromised immune system, Ernie understands the danger of infection and has been effected by infections repeatedly, but this time the symptom was dehydration and it took a few days to discover infection as the underlying cause.  I share this specific information to demonstrate how quickly fear can invade thought with thousands of 'what if' questions until what begins as a small fear becomes enormous and all pervasive.  

During Ernie's illness, my mind often performs at warp speed after I go to bed at night.  I have learned a few techniques to turn it off or at least dial it down, so I can relax and then sleep.  I have a mantra I say over and over which actually are the beginning words of the serenity prayer.  I say ''God, grant me the serenity to accept" and stop there.  I repeat that mantra until I usually fall asleep.  It is a good reminder to stay in acceptance mode no matter what the situation may be at that time.  Another technique that usually works is deep breathing, inhaling to the count of 11 and exhaling to the count of 11, which forces the breathing to slow down.  

Fear paralyzes and debilitates.  All action and forward motion stop when I am afraid, so I cannot be of help to Ernie because  I am so entangled by fearful thoughts.  Knowing that fear is a part of this journey, if I can recognize times I am feeling the most fearful and work towards finding solutions to those fears by looking those fears squarely in the face, then today is brighter and hope has a chance to take precedence.