THE BIGGEST ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

"We already live a very long time for mammals, getting three times as many heartbeats as a mouse or elephant. It never seems enough though, does it?"   David Brin




Since Ernie's diagnosis, forcing myself to look at Ernie's mortality as well as my own has not been easy.  My earliest recollections of my fear of death came from the first prayer I remember memorizing and saying repeatedly at night at a very young age.  "Now I lay me down to sleep.  I pray the Lord my soul to keep.  If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take."  What a scary prayer for little child!  In my young mind, death appeared to be something that would come and get me in the night like the bogey man, so I just didn't think about it at all: my very first experience with denial.  Had I grown up on a farm around animals and watched the life cycle unfold naturally rather than in the city, I might have viewed death differently. 

 A huge disparity existed inside me between my perception of death and the reality of death, so faced with Ernie's initial diagnosis, I took time working through the understanding of this natural process until I could distinguish fact from fiction in my own mind.  Now when Ernie refers his own death he references it as ''taking a trip'' and I know and understand his meaning.  He will say "when I go on my trip" or "after I go on my trip" when he shares specific instructions with me.

Several years ago at his suggestion I bought a spiral notebook and began taking notes about insurance policies, people who need to be contacted, banking information, account numbers of policies and even quarterly bills that arrive.  In other words, a notebook full of information I will need when many responsibilities become solely my own.  We have had several ''meetings'' in his office to discuss changes as they occur since his initial diagnosis.  This is one way he maintains his role as my constant teacher.  

The irony behind all of our planning lies in the fact that not one of us can know what tomorrow may bring.  He may leave this earth before I do.  He may not.  But in the meantime, we will live in this day and enjoy the journey.