"Anger and intolerance are the enemies of correct understanding." Mahatma Gandhi
"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured." Mark Twain
A friend once said to me, "If you're going to do it, then just do it". I thought about her comment recently as I was taking time off from this blog. We took a short car trip for a few days of rest and relaxation, but certainly not for the amount of time I've been away from writing, so some analysis and self talk brought me back. The trip was soothing and healing in its own way as it provided a change of scenery after weeks of daily radiation treatments for Ernie and trips to the medical center.
A few days before we left my own actions again reminded me how quickly exhaustion can remove rational thought and replace that thought with emotional reaction instead of measured action. I struck out at two people dearest to me and literally spewed my acid on them with little regard for their feelings. Then left with the emotional hangover of my actions, we took off for our little trip. Now, I am left with the aftermath and decisions to make regarding what measured actions I will take to try and repair any damage I have caused.
Living under the specter of disease daily, I am able to keep anger at bay on good days if I am rested and have taken time for myself. It's on those other days when life is harried and demands more of me that I must work harder to not let anger permeate my thoughts and more importantly, my actions.
As caregiver, my anger is always there because I hate the disease that is constantly changing our lives. But unless I rein in that anger every day, it poisons all I think and do and hampers what I can do for Ernie and for others. Anger is a ''me'' thing, a ''pity'' thing and as I said in one of my earlier blogs, it's not a party I need to attend. Yet somehow my own humanity and frailty can and does get in the way. That is when the most important thing I can do is to remember that forgiveness of self is equally important.
I cannot take back my words of last week to the two people who received them. I cannot fix the damage I caused by my own actions, but I can move forward today with more resolve and knowledge that anger is a dangerous emotion I cannot afford to use, especially against people who love me. I only hope today that they will love me in spite of myself.
My vessel must remain free from anger so I can give the level of care needed to enhance our lives.
This is so insightful, Pat. I've marked it as a place I'll return when my own anger makes me forget what and who is most important. Now, any thoughts on sadness? You know, the kind that weighs you down so heavily that you can't remember anger, much less happiness or other emotions. No pressure, as my question's rhetorical (sort of). Wishing you and Ernie a joyful Sunday together.
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