THE UNCERTAINTY OF IT ALL

 "Uncertainty is the refuge of hope."  Henri Frederic Amiel

"Medicine is a science of uncertainty and an art of probability."  William Ossler





We have been on an enormous roller coaster ride for the past few weeks, yet one with more lows than highs.  The cancer journey can be like that.  As euphoric as one day may be, so may follow abject misery the next.  I suppose the hardest part is how quickly those ups and downs sneak up. 

Ernie recently underwent five weeks of radiation therapy, but during a follow up appointment after a recent cat scan he discovered that additional tumors were evident and the disease is progressing.  That day our hopes vanished again as we rode down into one of those 'lows'.  I recall the day of the cat scan well because we were both anxious.  While we sat in the waiting room before he was called back for the procedure Ernie said, "I didn't study for the test".  

Unfortunately, there are so many 'tests' in this cancer journey that our loved ones cannot prepare for.  We as caregivers accompany them, sit in the waiting room with other caregivers and wait.  Then we wait again with our loved ones until the results are read and given.  The results are out of our hands entirely, but the ride begins when we hear them.  

After a number of days of waiting until Ernie had his appointment with the primary oncologist, we stayed in that low and anxious place.  Yet after our meeting yesterday with her we left, riding another high.  He fits the criteria for a phase two clinical trial of a new drug.  He signed his name on all the forms and now additional uncertainties loom.  After the evaluation next week, if everything appears to be in order, all data is sent to the drug company and it's out of our hands again.  The study is randomized as they all must be according to FDA regulations and even though he has a one in three chance of being selected, he could be the one in three who is not accepted due to the randomization.  And so, again, we wait with uncertainty, a frequent visitor to our lives.  

Living with uncertainty is an inescapable part of this cancer journey.  It's the nebulous cloud that forms and stays until small rays of probability filter through.  Our loved ones battle the disease while we as caregivers save a seat for them on the roller coaster and ride along.