SEND IN THE CLOWNS

 "A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life."  William Arthur Ward

"You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it."  Bill Cosby

 

There is nothing funny about cancer and yet over my journey with Ernie, there have been times that his humor has brought in the clowns when despair was looming overhead.  We are fortunate to live in this age of technological advances where information is just a mouse click away.  Yesterday, after we returned home from the medical center, I found a lovely gift in my inbox: a virtual circus, complete with a ticket taker, clown dunk and acts under the big top.  What a happy respite that little gift became as I popped balloons on the midway and watched circus acts under the big tent.

Just a little over five years ago, I remember riding to the medical center the day before Ernie's initial surgery with the theme from Rocky ("Eye of the Tiger") blaring from the car radio.  He was ready for the surgery, ready to have the cyst removed, ready to get back to life.  The city zoo is located just blocks from the medical center and he joked with me, telling me to go to the zoo while he was in surgery and buy bright balloons to bring back, so he would know when he woke up that the surgery had been successful.  He said he would know it hadn't been if I was standing beside his bed with black balloons.  After the surgery our daughter and I learned that beneath the cyst were cancerous tumors that had not shown up in prior cat scans because the cyst had hidden them.  I remembered what Ernie had said about the black balloons and that poignant image has never left me.  There were no clowns that day.

Over the years, Ernie's sense of humor in the midst of  medical tests and procedures have pushed away the clouds of despair and lightened his load as well as mine.  I am reminded of an incident a few weeks ago.  I asked him to check to see if some milk in the refrigerator had expired recently.  He looked down at his abdomen and said, "No, it hasn't expired yet.  I'm still here".  We have a two word phrase we have used over the years and  that is ''not today''.  

Yesterday Ernie had another medical procedure.  The night before the procedure he said, "Why don't you just park me on Main Street with a sign around my neck that reads - 'Poke - 50 cents, Prod - $1.00': his way of coping with one of so many procedures he has undergone over the years.  After the check in procedures and endless repetitive questions by the health care personnel before the procedure he asked me if I could just get a big sign and hang it around his neck with some of the information so he could quit answering the same questions over and over.  I guess his mind has been into signs of late.  Verification of his birth date seems to be a common question and I have heard him ask the health care professional how old he is she is often when he is asked for his birth date. 

No, cancer isn't funny, but so often humor can be found in the absurdity of that which is life itself and as long as Ernie is given today to continue the tightrope walk, I can continue to walk it with him.