PERMITTING THE PARADIGM SHIFT

If we begin to get in touch with whatever we feel with some kind of kindness, our protective shells will melt, and we'll find that more areas of our lives are workable.

Pema Chödrön
When Things Fall Apart

Change at its best is something exciting, something hopeful and good, but on the cancer journey change can take on frightening dimensions and challenging obstacles.  Over five years ago when Ernie started his journey we had such hope and as the months changed to years, that hope only grew stronger.  The beast that was cancer was at bay, in the background, something he dealt with to be sure, but something manageable.  He learned to take each day as it came with dignity even when infections came and went and hospitalizations came and went.  In between the hard times we traveled a bit, lived and loved.  

As caregiver, I have come to realize that little by little we have both been involved in a huge paradigm shift.  Life has taken on a new normal, very different from life as we once knew it.  His life has changed much more than mine and remains more limiting, but as his partner on this journey my life has also changed.  Looking back and romanticizing life as it once was defeats today.  Fighting change is a futile exercise because whether we like it or not, change is inevitable with this disease.  

Because of his pill regimen, he must eat at certain times, so social gatherings with friends to eat can become difficult.  Isolation is one of the big changes.  Friends offer help and when we can, we accept that help, but their lives go on (as they should) because our activities are limited now.  Our world has become much smaller. A huge piece of our world involves the medical community with doctors' appointments and medical tests.  Friends care, but sharing all of this information can be exhausting for us and I suspect not that interesting to many people, so our tendency is to keep things close to the vest, which further isolates us from the outside world.

As Ernie begins another leg of this journey, fighting a new found cancer in another part of his body, all of his energy will be focused on this new battle in his war against the beast that is cancer.  I feel the gratitude for today and acceptance of life on life's terms not as I wish it were and move forward.  As caregiver, I am working hard to give permission with kindness to the additional paradigm shift this new battle will involve, hoping to melt away more of this protective shell I have placed around myself.