EVEN FROM THE CLIFFS OF DESPAIR

"For happiness, one needs security, but joy can spring like a flower even from the cliffs of despair."  Anne Morrow Lindbergh

It has been days since my last post for good reason.  We have been on a medical roller coaster ride again.  Ernie was taken to the heights of hope followed by the depths of despair as information shared with him ranged from ''there is nothing more we can do" after the radiation treatments to the possibility of his being considered for a clinical trial to the devastating news after a recent cat scan that another malignant mass exists that isn't even related to the original cancer.

His case has been an anomaly since the beginning of his cancer journey.  He has lived far beyond all predictions.  Now his body is dealing with two different types of cancers.  The discovery of the second mass eliminated him from consideration as a participant in the clinical trial.

As caregiver, I too have traveled from the heights to the depths emotionally, hoping against all hope that somehow, some way we will have more time and he will have quality of life during that time.  I sense in Ernie a great weariness I can only imagine as he continues to fight this battle with this unseen disease that invades his body.  Yet, even though more tests are required to determine the course of action against this new cancer, he takes a deep breath and is ready to face whatever is ahead.  Watching him and admiring his inner strength, I cannot possibly even consider taking time for that 'pity party'.  How could I?

He recently sent out an e-mail to friends and family and entitled it: DEATH IS EASY.  DYING IS HARD.  That single title speaks volumes.  Through the dying, he is endeavoring to make the most of his living and nothing could be more important for both of us right now.  Recently a hospice nurse shared a true story with me.  One of her patients told her all he wanted to do was to go fishing with his son.  She told him to go and he replied, "What if something should happen to me on the trip?"  She encouraged him to go anyway.  On the way back from the fishing trip, he died in the car and the point of the story is this: he died LIVING.

I believe whatever lies ahead for us that Ernie will die LIVING too.